I went to a party last night that got me thinking: just as there are certain consistent variables in museums or shopping centers or restaurants (i.e., the crying baby, unsatisfied customer, etc.), there are for house parties as well. Now, I’m not a huge party-goer, but I still feel like I have been to enough gatherings to have some mastery on this subject. Before you read, you should know that I have no leanings toward positive or negative emotions when it comes to these statements. I just find them to be truths of many parties in my opinion, and you can take them however you like.
Disclaimer: I did enjoy the party I attended last night, and most other parties in the recent past. If we know each other, please continue to invite me to events so I can write things like this.
15 Things You Will Always Find at a House Party:
1. The “drunk” girl with a “super low tolerance”. You know, the one that screeches at everything, than excuses it away by saying “I’m so drunk!” She hugs everyone and also has a beer in her hand that stays mysteriously at the 1/3rds left point the whole night, swinging it around at times like a weapon.
2. Guys wearing plaid shirts.
3. The house pet that everyone fawns over, becoming consistently more popular as the night wears on. A cat should never be called a “pussy,” no matter how drunk you are. And, for God’s sake, stop taunting it with a string. How would you like it if someone did that to you all night?
4. The “loose cannon.” The one man/woman you can set your watch to in the sense that they will definitely do something completely unpredictable before the night is over. These are the people that take shots of disgusting liquor just to show off, insult their closest friends, and try to start some sort of game that usually doesn’t meet success.
5. The person who is an expert at whatever game you are playing. Last time I checked, you can’t put “Beer Pong Champion, University of Wisconsin, class of 2010” on your resume. And if you do, prepare to be living on mother’s couch for many years to come.
6. Jello shots because “they’re delicious!” Which, in fact, they are.
7. A girl wearing something completely ridiculous. Either she ends up looking like she started dressing for the office and then changed her mind halfway through, or she mistook the house party for a New York City nightclub.
8. The person who is taking “time off” from work.
9. The boring people. You know, the ones that require you to carry the conversation by asking all the interesting questions. You’re usually exhausted at the end of these conversations and have made it through double the amount of drinks you normally would.
10. Someone that, no matter who you are or where your from, wants to make some kind of connection with you. Ok, I’ve been guilty of doing this, I admit, especially if the conversation is increasingly awkward. But sometimes it can just be annoying. A friend of mine started answering with, “Oh yeah, everyone in Iowa gets together for weekly bonfires to catch up” because she was so tired of people assuming she would know their friend from Iowa just because she was from Iowa as well. I guess Iowa is one of those states that people really don’t know anything about (I certainly don’t).
11. The attention grabbers. These people will go to any lengths to steal the show. Refer to number 1 for examples.
12. The annoying couple. You know, the one that refers to themselves as “we” constantly and don’t separate the whole night, so you’re forced to always talk to both of them.
13. The picture takers! I am totally guilty of this. You usually end up with good pictures. Plus, like Jim Halpert says in “The Office,” taking a picture is the best way to prove you were there if you need to make a quick getaway.
14. The clumps of “nerdy kids” v. “cool kids.” It’s like the high school cafeteria all over again.
15. The person who insists on making you the “special party drink”—which, don’t get me wrong, are usually quite delicious. Especially compared to my own drink concoctions, which taste like cleaner fluid (trust me, ask Rahul).
So there you have it, folks. And to end, enjoy Wikipedia’s definition of a house party.